Beware the Chipmunk | home
Welcome to the realm of the Un-Quotes. Here, as you read this, just remember, these are UN-QUOTES. Quotes that thankfully would never be said by the characters, excusing under extinuating circumstances...such as what, I fail to know, but hey! Have a ball.
-Frodo...at most any point in FotR:
(Think Abbot and Costello...Heeeeeeey Abbooooooot!)
-As Gimli and Aragorn dive onto the bridge at Helm's Deep:
Yippy-kay-yay Mr. Falcon!!!
(From the almost-but-not-anywhere-near-being-family-friendly-edited-version of Die Hard.)
Sam: Frodo, didn't I say 'NO GOLLUMS'?!
(Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade...NO CAMELS!)
Gandalf: *reading ancient texts in Balin's tomb* They are coming...and how are you today Mr. Gandalf?
(Harvey, my friends. Harvey.)
-Pretty much any time in the movies:
Something strange is afoot at Mordor.
(Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure was hysterical.)
-After the Firework incident:
(Dude. Where's my car?)
-In the tower where Grima's inquiring as to what fire can do at Helm's Deep:
Saruman: That huge wall at Helm's Deep that's really really tall and is probably strong enough to last another several hundred years?
Saruman: I want to blow it up.
Grima: Well that's...ambitious.
(Stargate SG-1, great TV show.)
-As Gimli jumps onto Balin's grave and roars maniacally, Legolas and Boromir look at Aragorn questioningly:
Aragorn: Uh, it's a dwarf revenge thing.
(Another Stargate SG-1.)
-Walking through the mines:
Gandalf: Older and fouler things than orcs live in the deep places of the world...oh look. It's Martin Vanburen.
MV: Down with the cotton gin! Down with the cottin gin!
(Taken from the Weekenders...a cartoon.)
On the bridge at Helm's Deep:
Random Orc 239874: Don't you people ever die?!
Again on the bridge:
Random Orc 4359847: How did you get here before us?
Aragorn and Gimli: *shrug*
Random Orc: I don't know, by all acounts it doesn't make sense.
(Emperor's New Groove)
Aragorn at the black gate:
My name is Aragorn son of Arathorn, you killed my ancestor. Prepare to die.
Arwen and Elrond discuss her future:
Arwen: He's a real prince!
Elrond: He used to be a frog.
Frodo to Gollum, if Sam scared him off:
Gollum, come back! You're not a freak, you're just stupid!
(INVADER ZIM, ya'll!)
Pip to Merry while hiding from Uruks:
I always get a happy tingly feeling when I see those guys.
(Staaaaaaaaaargate, it's a great big wooooooorld...)
Bory when meeting Galadriel:
I'm going to go now. Try not to inflict any more psychological damage as I leave.
(Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing...rat? A fanfic.)
Gandalf to Pip in Moria:
If you take your head home and boil it for a turnip, it might be useful.
(The Man Who was Thursday, GK Chesterton, the greatest freaking book...ever.)
Lurtz 'n Aragorn's fight:
Lurtz: Maaaaaan flesh...
Aragorn: Uh, negative. I am a meat popcicle.
(It's the fiiiiiiiifth eeeeeeeeelement.)
Lurtz, at the end of his big battle:
You may have noticed, I'm not all here myself.
(Alice in Wonderland.)
Elrond at the council, yo:
Gandalf, explain yourself. Start at the beginning and when you reach the end, stop.
(Alice in Wonderland once more folkses.)
Legolas to Haldir upon meeting:
He make look like a dwarf, and he may smell like a dwarf, but don't let that fool you. He really is a dwarf.
Sam in Mordor:
If every survival instinct I had wasn't telling me right now that screaming is a bad idea, I assure you, I would be screaming.
(Return to Sender.)
Legolas to the hobbits:
Never mock the Lembas.
(Jackie Chan Adventures)
To the hobbits in Rivendell at story time:
No orcs, but lots of hugging kissing and other violence.
(M*A*S*H strikes again!)
Aragorn to Boromir:
You're an idiot wrapped in a moron.
(Everybody Loves Raymond)
At the big dramatic death scene:
Random Uruk #12398.13: We've got a troublesome Gondorian with gerbils, code 5.
(Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time)
Elrond ends the council:
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice.
Pull down your pants and slide on the ice!
(M*A*S*H again folks.)
Sometimes it's best not to ask:
Ev'rybody's got an oliphaunt, yours is fat, but mine is guant, oh where do they come from, where do they haunt? Oh, ev'rybody's got an oliphaaaaaaaaaaaaunt!
Conversation via those marble thingy:
Sauron: What's up with the training of trolls?
Sarumon: Not much, unfortunately. Smart as a rock...well, maybe a bunch of rocks.
(Lost in Weiss)
Gandalf to Pippin in Balin's Tomb:
Despite my direct orders, you had to put BE STUPID first on your list of things to do on this quest!
(M*A*S*H is back, all right!)
Merry, explaining Pippin to Aragorn at the Prancing Pony:
He may look like an idiot, and he may act like an idiot, but don't let that fool you--he really is an idiot.
Sam muttering to Frodo during the council:
My gaffer always told me that a council is the only known form of life with a hundred bellies and no brain. Now I see what he means
(Robert A. Heinlen)
An elf-dwarf conversation in Moria:
Legolas: For is it not said, have faith in your eyes?
Gimli: And in your fists.
Boromir, as he dies:
I would have liked to have seen Montana.
(Hunt for Red October)
Frodo and Gandalf in Bagend:
Gandalf: Questions! Questions that need answering!
Frodo: But you've only just arrived! I don't understand!
Gandalf: Neither to I. Keep it secret, keep it safe.
Frdod: What, do you practice being vague?
Frodo is passed out from weathertop:
Frodo: Do not test my temper woman!
Sam: ...did he just call me woman?
Aragorn: I believe he did.
(More stargate. Joyous.)
Merry, to Pip at the inn:
This is so the last time I help someone move.
(Stargate again. Yes, I'm on Stargate Fan.)
Rivendell, Frodo just woke up:
Frodo: Hey guys!
Gandalf: It's surprisingly hard to kill you.
(...of course it's Stargate.)
At the Prancing Pony, after the night raid:
Merry: Butterbur, I have terrible news!
Merry: The wraiths destroyed one of your oldest and most venerable mop heads--alas, the Pony shall never see it clean another floor!
Sam and Frodo, one night on the way to Mordor:
Frodo: *sits up, startled* Sam, the Spiders, they want me to tap-dance! I don't want to tap-dance!
Sam: You tell those Spiders, Frodo.
Frodo: *rolls over, going back to sleep* Yeah...tell them.
(HP#, Prisoner of Azkaban movie...the best line from it, if you ask me.)
Frodo to Sam in the orc tower thing:
Ya know, in some ways you're far superior to my cocker spaniel!
(White Christmas, great movie.)
Gimli to Legolas:
Can the philosophy, Elf, an'let's scrounge some brew. Savin' the universe is thirsty work
(Some random X-men comic, I believe.)
Pippin and Aragorn:
Aragorn: We'll walk from now on.
Pippin: Can't we take a cab?
Pippin: How about I take a cab and you walk?
Aragorn: Only if I can go shopping.
Pippin: We'll walk.
(More X-men, I think...)
Merry to Pippin:
Finally, anyone wishing to complain to Mr. Strider about injuries sustained during yesterday's field expidition will, I'm afraid, be waisting his time.
(This is more X-men. I'm on a kick, you know.)
Aragorn and dream-Arwen before she turns into Brego:
Aragorn: That tickles.
D-Arwen: How are you feeling?
(Yay for X-men.)
At the council:
Elrond: And to make a long story short--
Everyone: Too late!
Elrond: --one by one you all arrived.
(Gotta love the movie Clue.)
Gandalf and Frodo after the bar night:
Gandalf: Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you.
Frodo: You're a bit late for that! I hate it when you do that!
(More Clue, yay!)
Gandalf arrives at Bagend before the party:
Gandalf: Hey Billbo. Say, I thought you were taller. I don't remember you being this short - how'd you get so short?
Bilbo: Up yours, Gandalf.
Treebeard greets Merry and Pippin in Fangorn:
Treebeard: If you're not a stick you don't belong here.
Merry: We're just trying to hide from the orcs...
Treebeard: The tree hackers?
Treebeard: Stay as long as you like.
Saruman and Grima send the army off to Helm's Deep:
Grima: Bye, bye boys!
Saruman: Have fun storming Helm's deep!
Pippin listens in on Elrond talking to Gandalf before Frodo wakes up:
He just said Frodo! I understood that! I can speak Elvish!
(Red vs. Blue)
At the gates of Moria:
Pippin: But this is our only way through!
Gandalf: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it 'Crap I already know'?!
(More Red vs Blue. Love it!)
Merry and Pippin at Amon Hen after alerting the orcs to their presence:
(Yes. Red vs. Blue. Woo marathons.)
Merry and Pippin are captured and near Fangorn:
Orc1: If you want them dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
Orc2: Let me explain.
Orc1: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.
(Princess Bride. I love that movie. And how.)
The three hunters on the fields of Rohan are met by Eomer:
Eomer: You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you.
Aragorn: You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die.
Sam upon seeing an Oliphaunt:
Well butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Merry and Pippin escape into Fangorn:
Merry: It's not that bad.
Pippin: *incredulous look*
Merry: Well, I'm not saying I'll build a summer home here, but the trees are quite lovely.
(More Princess Bride. So brilliant.)
Gimli: The preservation room...do you know what the preservation room is for?
Merry: Delicious jams and jellies?
(YAY NATIONAL TREASURE!)
Bilbo shows Frodo around Rivendell:
You'll soon get your bearings, young master! Sleeping hall is up, music hall is down, and food is this way!
(Courtesy of Sleepy Hollow)
Gandalf: Stop talking, impending death by monkey!
(Trans: I'm not a monkey!)
(Combo platter, It's Walky and Series of Unfortunate Events)
--Becky, a Buffy fan--
Aragorn and Legolas, part of the Helm's Deep spat you never saw!
Aragorn: Would you let me talk?
Legolas: Did you just *flick* me?
Aragorn: I'm sorry but--stop flicking!
Legolas: You flicked me first!
Upon seeing the Balrog at the bridge:
Gandalf: Oh the horror! The PG-13 horror!
(Fairly Odd Parents)
At the gate of Moria:
Frodo: I believe I speak on behalf of everyone here. What by the Valar is it?
Gandalf: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Merry: How can you tell?
Gandalf: Well, it's so shiny.
(Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Meeting Haldir in Lothlorien:
Haldir (Translated): Welcome Legolas, son of Thranduil.
Legolas (Translated): The fellowship is in your debt, Haldir of Lorien. I would shake you rhand but I fear it would come off.
(Blackadder II "Head")
Aragorn and Co at Gondor before the final battle, the infamous 'diversion' conversation:
Aragorn: Look, it's the classic battle strategy to throw one's opponent off his game. He's just trying to provoke us. To taunt us, to, to goad us into some mishap of some sort.
Legolas: The nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah approach to battle?
Aragorn: Yes, Legolas, once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.
(Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Whilst the Fellowship approach the Gates of Moria:
Gandalf: I've been, uh, searching under all the dwarven indexes covering the last couple of centuries. You would be amazed at how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these dwarves were.
Legolas: Colour me stunned.
At Lothlorien, where the remaining fellowship try to tell Celeborn and Galadriel what happened to Gandalf:
Legolas: Well, it was dark! And the thing went through the walls so quick and I was a...little shocked when I saw it and...
Galadriel: Go ahead, say it. You ran like a woman.
Legolas: Hey, if you saw this thing, you'd run like a woman too.
At the tomb of Balin:
Boromir: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
As Aragorn and the Hobbits make their way to Rivendell:
Aragorn: No, Master Pippin, the place is called Far Far Away, and that's where we are going. Far, far away.
At the Council of Elrond:
Pippin: Anyway, you need people like us for this kind of mission...quest...thing.
Merry: Okay, you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!
Aragorn while standing at the bow of one of the elvish boats:
Oooold man riiiver! That ooold man riiiiver! He must know somethiiiin! He don't say nooothin!
Aragorn bending over the dead Boromir:
Well, it just so happens that Boromir here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.
Gandalf, on the bridge of Khazad Dum:
Stop! He who wishes to cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see!
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Elrond as the fellowship is leaving Rivendell: "Be excellent to one another..."
(Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)
Merry to Pippin in Moria as they pass a dwarf skeleton:
"It's that short dead dude!"
(Bill and Ted's again.)