Beware the Chipmunk
(The lights flicker...flicker again...and go out entirelly. Only the sign is visible until, on stage, Elrond's head and shoulders are lit in a slender spotlight.)
Elrond: *solemn* Welcome back. The three questions have been asked. The eighteen answers have been given. Who will Frodo choose? No one knows except him.
(Frodo, asleep, is briefly lit and then back to Elrond.)
Sign: *rains a teeny bit of sparks over Frodo*
Frodo: *nervous jump and slight shout are heard* Gah!
Elrond: As I was saying... *perks up* LETS! MAKE!
Sign: Do get on with it.
Council: A FELLOWSHIP! *clapping and a muffled thudding from RAM who is still bound*
Sign: Enough. I have a headache.
Council: *stops clapping and a smattering of giggles is heard*
Sign: I HEARD THAT!
Council: *shuts up*
Elrond: Frodo, what is your descision? Who will you take?
Frodo: I was thinking...it wouldn't be fair to only take one.
Frodo: So I'll take them all!
Elrond: All of them?
Frodo: Except five. Definately not five.
Elrond: *slight sigh of relief* Whew. HE HAS CHOSEN THEM ALL!
Sign: Clap, it's almost over.
Council: *madly clapping and cheering*
Elrond: Except five.
Council: *didn't hear, as they were too loud*
Frodo: So...who are they?
Elrond: Well, do you want to meet them?
Sign: Yes. Yes you do.
Sign: Meet them and you can leave.
Council: *various versions of yes, yeah, let's have it, etc.*
Sign: Stuff it.
Council: *do so*
Elrond: And now, let's meet contestant, er, volunteer one. Representing the race of men, this young man likes fur lined cloaks and richly embroidered silk, a Son of Gondor, BOROMIR!
Sign: You'll want to applause and stop after each one. I'm off for coffee.
(Door one swings open, Boromir falls forward onto the stage, and is immediately buried in a mound of socks. After a moment he makes it out and rises.)
Boromir: *shakes hands with Frodo * H-- *coughs and pulls a sock out of his mouth* Hello, I'm Boromir. If this is the will of the council, Gondor shall see it done.
Frodo: *completely grossed out by the sock*
Boromir: *tosses the sock back to the pile and stands next to Frodo*
Council: *applauding wildly...stop*
Elrond: Number two is another representative of men. He's a rag-wearing wanderer who carries a busted sword, but you love `im! A man destined to be king, son of Arathorn, ARAGORN!
(The second door pops open and Aragorn attempts to step out regally but is tripped by the numerous cords attatched to CB radios and such in his booth. After a moment, he regains his balance and dignity*
Aragorn: *shakes it off and shakes Frodo's hand* Greetings. I'm Aragorn. You have my sword.
Frodo: *nods unsuredly at him*
Council: *cheering even louder, drowning out boos from Boromir*
Aragorn: *'accidentally' bumps into Boromir*
Boromir: *'accidentally' does the same*
Sign: Back. You can stop cheering now.
Elrond: And no--
(Elrond is interrupted by Boromir and Aragorn fussing at each other on stage. He clears his throat loudly, but is ignored.)
Sign: Oo! Chant Fight!
Council: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Aragorn: *glances at the council and becomes self concious*
Boromir: *the same*
Council: Fight! Fight!
Sign: Stop that now.
Council: *mutters and stops*
Elrond: *clears throat again* For three and our first elf, we have a `natural' blonde with deadly arrow accuracy, and taste for tights, all the way from Mirkwood...LEGOLAS!
(The third door opens revealing Legolas, who is struggling to remove a tube that had been attached to his head. He finally removes it and steps out.)
Legolas: *shakes hands with Frodo* I--
Behind the council: *SCREEEEEEEEEEEAM!*
Sign: GET THOSE FANGIRLS OUTTA HERE!
Security: *does so*
Sign: Dumb girls.
Legolas: *nervous smile* I am Legolas, you have my bow. *slight bow towards council and takes his place next to Aragorn*
Sign: Big cheers for the elf.
Council: *half hearted cheers*
Sign: I know that's you, dwarves. CHEER OR ELSE!
Dwarves: *do so*
Sign: Better. Stop.
Council: *does so with minor grumbling*
Aragorn: *raised eyebrow*
Frodo: *holding heart and staring with fear towards the doors closing out the last of the fangirls* Whew...that was close...
Elrond: Yes it was, but now, moving on, four! A stout fellow for the dwarves who enjoys mining, forging and cleaving things in half with his axe, a dwarf from the mountain, GIMLI!
(The fourth door is broken open as Gimli struggles to be free of a box that is encasing his head. It breaks apart, scattering the rocks and marbles that were in it.)
Gimli: *gruffly shakes hands* I'm Gimli. You have my axe...and chicken... *ignores odd stares and stands a foot away, but next to Legolas.*
Frodo: ...a chicken...wha?
Sign: Forgetting something fools?
Council: *deep, but half hearted cheer*
Sign: Elves, cheer.
Elves: *do so*
Sign: Don't be so childish.
Elrond: *trying to control temper* And now, number five, a pretty elf-maiden who will not be joining the company, with flawless features, a beautifully expanded role and one heckuva dad, Arwen Undomiel!
(The door opens, revealing Arwen, sulkily chewing her gum.)
Arwen: *steps out, waves half-heartedly to Frodo* Hi...I-I-I'm Arwen...*sniffs* I have to stay here. *turns to Elrond* I hate you daddy! *sobs and runs off stage*
Elrond: *nervous fidgit*
Sign: Um...you don't have to clap for that.
Council: *nod in approval*
Frodo: What was that about?
Aragorn: *watching her vanish*
Boromir: *shrugs at Frodo*
Elrond: Er...*finishes really fast* With gray on the clothes and gray in the beard, this ol' pyrotechnic must be Gandalf the Gray!
(As the door opens, a puff of smoke is released into the crowd. Some muffled sounds are heard as Gandalf hurriedly puts out his pipe and comes out.)
Gandalf: *shakes Frodo's hand* You know me well, little friend. I will show you the way. *stands next to Gimli*
Sign: We're in the homestretch, folks, cheer like never before!
Council: *does so*
Elrond: And that is how we make--
Sign: Say it!
Council: A FELLOWSHIP! *cheering wildly*
Elrond: That's all for our show today. Please tune in next ti--
Elrond: What the--
(Smothered laughter ripples through the crowd as Sam, Pippin, and Merry run up on the stage. Elrond waves off security and leans slightly downward to them.)
Elrond: How can I help you?
Sam: I made a promise, Mr. Elrond, a promise.
Elrond: And that was...
Sam: *turns to Frodo* Gandalf said `Don't you leave him, Samwise' and I don't mean to!
Sign: ...okay, okay, cute...go `awww'...
Sign: Enough of that.
Council: *fidgit impatiently*
Elrond: Frodo, it is up to you, your friends would like to help you on your quest.
Hobbits: *Bambi eyes*
Elrond: Then we have it, a fellowship of nine. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!
Fellowship: *look all important like*
Sign: Cheer, this is the last time!
Elrond: Tune in next time to--
(Elrond pauses a listens hard...staring into the light he can't see it, but he can feel it. The Council had left. As the lights dimmed for the last time and the sign blinked off, only one thing was heard...)
Pippin: ...psst...Merry...where're we going?